In times like these, in which opportunities abound for self-expression and self-improvement, it's surprising that some parents try to live vicariously through their children.
The TLC cable network show "Toddlers & Tiaras" offers prime examples of this phenomenon.
The show features girls as young as 18 months old parading before pageant judges and a national TV audience in full makeup and swimwear, doing whatever it takes to stand out, while their parents coach them from the sidelines.
Do an online search about the show and you'll discover blog posts and articles denouncing the exploitation of these girls and questioning their parents' motives.
Yet consider parents in your own circles and you're sure to recognize a few who push their child into a particular sport, extracurricular activity or academic pursuit despite their child's obvious disinterest or discomfort.
* * * * *Most experts doubt that parents purposely decide to live their dreams through their children. However, when they go beyond offering encouragement and support that empowers their child and insist on a particular path, experts say children can suffer.
"You see with some parents that what their (child is doing) is their whole life," said Barbara Desmarais , a parenting coach in Vancouver , British Columbia , who coaches in Canada and the United States . "It gives the impression that 'This is my dream and I didn't get to fulfill it.'
"Everybody has a right to have their own dreams," said Desmarais , the mother of four children, ages 22 to 32. "Our children are on loan to us; they come into the world with their own likes, dislikes and temperament. We can influence them by building their confidence, giving them morals and values, and a sense of being loved; but it's not our job to create a football player or a golf" star.
It's wise, Desmarais said, for parents to expose children to a range of opportunities with the goal of helping them determine what they excel at or enjoy.
What is worrisome, she said, is to make that choice for them without their full understanding or enthusiasm. Sooner or later, it will backfire.
"When kids feel pressured to perform and eventually have an opportunity to choose for themselves, they rebel — they don't want to do anything," Desmarais said. "It's really important to look at the big picture and ask are you doing this for the child or for yourself.
"If it's for yourself, you're sending a clear message that, 'My dream matters more than yours, and you have a responsibility to accomplish my dream or to make me look good.' "
Desmarais believes many unhappy adults were steered in directions as youths that were not meant for them.
"Parents mean well, but we spend the bulk of our day in our jobs," she said. "If you find yourself in a career or a job you hate, and you dread going every day, you can destroy yourself."
Instead of fretting over whether your child is the best in a particular activity, first make sure it gives your child joy or a sense of accomplishment, Desmarais said.
"Childhood is so brief, and it's getting shorter. Little girls at 8 years old are starting to dress like teens. The most important (activity) for a child is to play and be creative and form friendships.
"You can't go back in time," Desmarais said. "If you want your child to wear a tiara, give her a box of dress-up clothes and let her run around. When your children show an aptitude or passion for something, that's where you support them."
Source:
No comments:
Post a Comment