That wasn't Elvis leaving the building, folks. That was the 12th Man sneaking out with his shavetail between his legs. Hear the clomping of his senior boots? Farmers fight, indeed. How about farmers flee? Or farmers fright?
Hullabaloo, ca-scram ca-scram.
The Aggies are leaving the Big 12 Conference. That's right. The Aggies are splitting from the Big 12 — soon to become the Mediocre 9. The Aggies are high-tailing it, I hear, because they're afraid the University of Texas' new Longhorn Network will make it exceedingly tough for them to keep up in the recruiting wars.
One thing you could always count on with the Texas A&M Aggies was their respect for tradition — such as the annual Texas vs. Texas A&M football game, a game played since 1894, when Grover Cleveland was president. This Thanksgiving's game at College Station may be the last.
With that in mind, what are Texas men supposed to do on Thanksgiving from now on? Stay home and help mom baste the bird? I can hear it now. "I thought I told you to stay out of this kitchen." Thanks, Aggies, for getting mom stirred up.
Anyway, the Aggies have more traditions than Kinky Friedman has one-liners. The Aggies grow a vegetable? Tradition says they turn it funny-looking, like that Frankensteinish maroon carrot they made. The Aggies score a touchdown? The Aggie cadet smooches his date. The ball is kicked off? Aggie tradition dictates that young men on the sidelines dressed as ice cream vendors make mystifyingly odd gestures with their fingers.
And, when A&M played Texas in football in Austin, it was an A&M tradition for the Aggie band to march up Congress Avenue with their trumpets and horses.
Well, you may never see Brazos River Valley road apples again at Fourth and Congress because for the first time ever, that I know of, the Aggies have given up on a tradition. They've gone tradition AWOL.
What a disgrace. What's next? Will they ditch Reveille for a poodle?
Where's that old fightin' Aggie spirit we've come to depend on? Why don't the Aggies stand and fight and start their own TV network? Call it the Caneck Connection. Or how about AgVision. Or the Maroon Report.
And why are the Aggies afraid of this Longhorn Network anyway? You can't even pick it up in most of Austin, UT's hometown. What kind of recruiting tool is that?
The Aggies should be ashamed of themselves, They're the tradition people, and they're walking away from a Texas root that runs as deep as the Alamo, "London Homesick Blues," and chili cookoffs in Terlingua.
The game is so ingrained in Texas culture that it's weaved into the lyrics of the schools' fight songs.
In the "Aggie War Hymn," the words go "saw Varsity's horns off." What are the Aggies supposed to saw off now that they're leaving Bevo at the football altar? What words are they supposed to sing if they join the SEC? "Saw Varsity's snouts off?" for the Arkansas game?
Fact is, there are a lot of mascots in the SEC that are hard to saw off. Ever tried to saw off a Tide?
There were always two wonderful rivalries each year on the Longhorns' schedule, two games that got your blood running: Oklahoma and Texas A&M. But now there will be just one.
Thanks, A&M. I thought you were supposed to be the keeper of the tradition flame. I guess I was wrong.
John Kelso's column appears on Sundays. Contact him at 445-3606 or jkelso@statesman.com.
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